Somebody that I used to know.....

Estrangement is a bizarre thing.  Someone who was once so integral to your life and so much a part of everything you did suddenly no longer has any role to play and disappears almost as if they never were there. Of course, they were there. They existed as a force of nature so strong and present that the idea of them simply not being there is sometimes to big to comprehend. Friendships end, sometimes with no reason, sometimes with a real poisonous, horrendous explosion of anger that you can never go back.

You often think that maybe someday hatchets will be buried, forgiveness and understanding obtained and all will be right once again. So what do you do when there is never, ever going to be that opportunity again? How do you process that?

A person I was close to, extremely close to, died this weekend. The key word in that sentence is WAS. We fell out two years ago, fences were not mended and I mourned the loss of that friendship in a similar way that I had to navigate the deaths of my Grandparents that same year. So do I have a right to grieve now? Fifteen years of closeness, fun, adventures and memories still exist. He was so much a part of who I am today can I ever really be expected to just shrug it off?

I feel like I should grieve. I feel his loss as keenly as if I had been sitting shooting the shit over a beer just last week, not just over two years ago. I feel I will not be welcome to attend his funeral, to really say that symbolic and final goodbye. My family will be there and they will do their best to mourn on my behalf. I feel like my sadness needs to be contained. That I need to speak only of how I feel to very specific and trusted individuals, the ones who won't wonder why I am so sad about the loss of someone I used to know.

I want it known I am sad. I miss him and will continue to miss him, probably for the rest of my life. I miss the adventures and rambling conversations.  All I have is pictures, cherished memories and a scarring sense of loss like a two year old wound has reopened in my heart and may never fix.

This is the first of probably many posts I will write to try and make sense of this. If anyone has any idea how you move through this, please tell me because for now my sorrow, regret and guilt are too big to be dealt with.