So this weekend happened. I spent a great deal of time fretting over whether I was capable of performing on Friday night and then facing the Ex and his new girlfriend. It was a pretty bad week mentally and emotionally and I barely slept Thursday night, frightened of all the possible outcomes....
Now, my parents and friends were puzzled over this. My parents were especially concerned by the fact that I was doubting my ability to deliver a good cabaret performance. No matter how bad things have ever got, I have always known one thing. I can sing. I am not the most amazing singer on the planet but I can definitely hold my own. How had I allowed myself to get to a point where the only certainty in my life became a thing of fear and worry?
I had no reason to worry, I painted my face, slipped on a lovely dress and heels and for once even my hair went perfectly. Once I was out there in the space I remembered something fundamental. I love performing. Lola Blue is a character I created to prevent myself feeling anxious and exposed on stage and once I reconnected with that persona, it was as if I had never been away. The crowd were appreciative and I did what I needed to do well. I left absolutely buzzing and decided to keep that persona up for as long as possible to go and confront the awkwardness of being faced with my Ex head on.....but as predicted, he wasn't there when I arrived. A part of me was relieved and another part of me was annoyed because I had worked myself up to this moment. I looked good, I felt good, but no....they had left! All in all I had a good time and felt more positive but one thing still niggles at me. How can Lola Blue be so confident in herself, her attractiveness and her ability but as myself I can't?
It is beyond me how, as Lola Blue, I can tell a man I like his face but it would look better on my pillow, yet as myself, the idea of approaching a guy I find attractive makes me feel sick. As Lola I make men follow me around a space as part of a performance they have only come to watch, Lola can sit on guys laps, kiss their cheeks, proposition them and not even bat an eyelid.....but the idea of me ever doing that as myself makes me feel silly, like they will laugh in my face and tell me I am stupid and not worth their time.
I AM Lola. Lola simply cannot exist without me so why do I feel as though I am completely separate from her? Why do I feel as if she is worth peoples time and attention but I am not? My dad has told me more than once that the one thing he admires about me is my tenacity. The fact that no matter what shitty cards I get dealt, I will graft, dig my heels in and eventually reach my goal, no matter how long it takes me, no matter the difficulties; I have never before allowed myself to be defeated. Maybe Lola is the embodiment of all the stubbornness, confidence and self-belief I have so frequently allowed others to squash in me? Perhaps the key to success and building a comfortable future for myself is to simply allow Lola Blue to filter into my everyday life a little more.
When people tell me Lola looks beautiful, I have to remember that it's because I look beautiful. When people tell me Lola has an amazing voice and that she is very funny, I have to remember that she sings with my voice, tells jokes and makes quips from my head. Maybe the key to getting through the difficulties I currently face is to simply take stock for a moment and ask myself, what would Lola do?
It is also worth mentioning that Lola and I have some amazing friends who made turning up at the pub so much easier. The kind of friends who are brutally honest but fiercely loyal and who kept me beaming until the second I left. They saw the Ex, some spoke to him, but none made me feel as though I was stupid for feeling how I did. Some wanted to beat him silly (violence is never the answer.....) some simply wanted to make him feel as shit as he made me feel but all of them offered me support, love, hugs, jokes and a drink.....One told me he was glad to see me back. The old me, the strong, feisty me who he first met and he hadn't seen for months. He reminded me that I deserve to be picky, that I deserve only the best and certainly not someone who is going to make me feel weak and controlled. I promised him I am going to try to make sure I stay. From now on I am going to always ask myself....What Would Lola Do? And if Lola wouldn't then I won't either.....and if Lola would.....well, I just might!
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