The emotion of today is definitely anger. I am struggling to move past the anger I feel at my current circumstances and sadly it is making my ability to see the situation and people around it clearly.
My former friend went to his grave believing several things about me that I know aren't true. I pride myself on my loyalty and those closest to me know that this can be my biggest strength and also my most damaging weakness. I shield people to protect them and sometimes not the right people. I defend people I love unquestioningly and that isn't always the best idea either.
Two years ago, I learned one of the hardest lessons I have ever been taught, at a time I had already lost almost everything. I recovered. This has brought all of that crashing back into 4K focus, the pain, the betrayal, the humiliation of having no one fight my corner. No one defended me. No one had my back.
Maybe that's why I am choosing to grieve privately. I feel irrelevant and that's how I have been made to feel so why not just embrace the isolation? I have a handful of trusted friends I know would never have allowed this to happen if I had just reached out two years ago. Sadly, my loyalty didn't allow that. Those trusted friends know what I am struggling with now.
Trust and loyalty should be hard won and deserved. I know this now and I absolutely do not trust to the degree I used to. I am also only loyal now to those who truly look out for me. A fair exchange I believe.
To my former friend: If death brings with it a wealth of knowledge, an ability to see the truth where maybe it wasn't clear before all I will say is this......I hope you know now. I hope you have seen the truth with your own eyes. I hope you know I was nothing but loyal and trusting. I just hope you know and I'm sorry you couldn't see it before.
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