Well, Christmas came and went, back to work tomorrow. I had a great time, sometimes marred by my sense of isolation but mostly really good and I started to feel much better. I had finally turned a corner and I haven't had as much fun for a long time!
Now, I have spoken before about how difficult Christmas can be, but I love New Year. The anticipation of a whole new chapter, ready to make new memories and experience new things. This year was particularly exciting because, let's face it, last year was so God awful! New Dress, New shoes, I was absolutely buzzing for it and my evening was off to an amazing start.....midnight came and I was absolutely loving it. Then as you do you check your phone just in case someone you care about and isn't with you sends you a message.
This was a fatal error. There was a message from my ex, a number I had tried, clearly unsuccessfully, to block, wishing me a " wonderful new year"......
Really?! REALLY?!! Well, I was blown away by the sheer audacity. The fact that I had already made myself very clear on the never wanting to hear from him again seemed lost on him. Who does that to am ex partner when they have a new one and the split has been nasty?! I happened to be with a friend who also took exception to this and the next thing I know, half the pub is outside posing for a picture extending their middle fingers to him. It is essential to note I was not in the picture nor was it my idea! This was an act of friendship from a group of people who care about me. Of course, this then got posted to social media, I said then that it would only come back on me and I was right.
Three O'clock Saturday morning I then receive a message calling me all kinds of pathetic and petty...."I expected better from you" I pointed out I wasn't in the picture. Then the tactics change "I miss you, I miss spending time with you, I only want you to be happy, I only want what's best for you...."
If any of this was true then why not just heed my wish to be left alone? Why text demands for petty items from our lives together when you kept all the important things? Why rub your new relationship, with someone you made me feel paranoid about for our last month's together, in my face? The same person you were texting for weeks before you broke my heart, including the night before you ended our relationship.
I feel as if all my hard work has come undone. Like all the pieces I had put back together with Blu Tac and Chewing gum have smashed apart leaving a massive open wound.
My friends tell me to forget it, move on. My question is how? Every time I make progress I am sent smashing back down to an even lower point than before?! I feel pathetic that I have let this happen. I am physically and mentally exhausted, not to mention emotionally drained.
When I wake up I am going to start planning. Planning ways to enrich my life, mentally and physically. Planning my next steps forward, how I can recover from this latest blow. I will you know, because I am not having this happen to me ever again.
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