I think the reality of everything that has changed for me in the last 5 months has hit home like a tonne of bricks. Until now I have failed to realise the permanence of my situation, as if, all at once, everything was going to suddenly change and I would find myself with a flat and a partner and a far more comfortable existence again....then the realisation. This is it now. Sometimes I will forget that I live in a small room in another persons house and just as quickly I will remember and it's as if I have been punched in the chest, the force of the memory can sometimes leave me winded.
The worst part is realising just how much time you need to fill in order to avoid the loneliness. My friends are pretty awesome and during the week I am often pretty busy, but the weekends fill me with fear. Weekends are for families and couples, they are a period of 50 some odd hours after work ends on Friday that you need to keep active in order to stop the slide into self pity and depression.
The film "About A Boy" really nailed this principle and talks about breaking the day into units of time and each activity uses a certain number of units: Bath = 1 unit, Dinner =1 unit and so forth. If the day is 24 units I can easily fill 6 of these of an evening or night at the pub (yeah, that's right, I can spend 8 hours at the pub!), however: what if I can't go out? What if everyone is busy? The answer is you just have to suck it up, you simply have to bite down and ride it out, however you make it out the other side is irrelevant as long as you make it.
This year is going to be a busy but painful one with markers and anniversaries to get through alone. That said, the period of time I refer to as "the triangle of doom" (Christmas, New Year, Valentine's Day) is nearly over and I can start to face down high wedding season (I have an unfeasible number of weddings to attend in the next two years) which is always a chance to meet new people, make new friends and make memories, so I am all good with that.
The key is keeping busy, keeping focused and adjusting to my new normal, picking my way through the minefield with minimal mental and emotional damage. Some days this seems like an impossible task.....I know I can make this year a year of change and reinvention, a year to realise dreams and ideas I shelved for someone who wasn't worth sacrificing for. If I appear to be floundering: give me a push, if I appear to need encouraging: cheer me on and if I appear to need company, I probably do!
One thing I do know is, somehow I will get to exactly where I need to be.
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