So you go and you dance on your own and you leave on your own....

Ahead of next year, or as I am currently referring to it, the year of 6 weddings, I have started to feel very sad and isolated. My status as a singleton is becoming somewhat more permanent than I had ever anticipated and it is causing me to start wondering if I will ever find someone who genuinely gives a crap.

How can one have a positive outlook when all the evidence points firmly at a negative outcome? How can you feel good about yourself when the way people treat you directly undermines how you view yourself? How can you feel that it's ok to be alone when people behave as if it's not ok at all and even your godchildren think it's odd you don't have kids. I didn't choose this. I didn't ask for this but this is what I have so what do I do?

People offer advice, they offer platitudes, they tell you  they know what it's like "we've all been there!" or "I was single for ages" yeah, ok, in your twenties! The truth is that single in your thirties is like nothing you have ever experienced. It isn't like Bridget Jones or Sex and the City. It is long days and nights with only yourself for company. It is knowing you are the last one to be picked. It is being left out of things because you are an odd number or you don't have children. It is knowing no matter what people say, you just aren't good enough.

I know what you're thinking "try internet dating!". No. I did. I tried and it was horrendous. Messages from men wanting a quick shag, photos I never asked for, painful dates with unsuitable knob ends. I didn't tell my friends I was doing it, mostly because I didn't want the pity when it didn't work out. Which it didn't. Obviously!

Then there is when guys you know make a move and try to shift you out of the friendzone. You think about it, you decide  it might be ok and then they mug you off. Those are the ones that hurt  most because you figure a friend wouldn't hurt you  like that.  I have had that happen a couple of times this year too.

All in all: I want a handbook. I want a guide to the pitfalls of 30something singledom. I want to know it isn't just me. I want to know it will be ok. Most of all I just don't want to be lonely anymore.

It's a nice day to start again.....

I have been struggling to know what to write about. Things are still not totally groovy but they are improving, slowly.

In the past week I have celebrated my birthday ( which always hits me hard....) and also smashed through the one year anniversary of losing my relationship, home and mind.

For the first time in a long time,  this year I truly enjoyed my birthday celebrations. Everyone I care about outside of my family was there, either at one or both celebrations. I was humbled by how many people gave a shit to be honest! My oldest friends and my newest all came to show me love and I genuinely couldn't thank them enough.

At the pub on Saturday I had a conversation with someone saying how happy I was that I made it to my birthday. I wasn't joking. There were parts of the past 12 months which I genuinely thought would finish me. I wasn't sure how to cope, how to wake up and carry on. I did though. I explained about everything that had happened and he was shocked. He said he never would have known how bad things were because I always seem so together. I laughed, because I don't feel remotely together!

Losing Nana and Grandad has reminded me how fragile life is, how there is a lot I missed out on by being made to feel like everything I enjoyed was wrong. I have been trying to say yes to a lot more opportunities. Trying to enjoy what I do have, however little. There is one last hurdle to jump over before I can say I am back to myself.

I am going to a lot of weddings, not unusual for me....however one is going to leave me face to face with my ex and the girl he replaced me with. I am struggling to sleep because I am so worried about how this will make me feel. A day I should be celebrating love and happiness and I will be face to face with the person who almost destroyed me and the person he did this for. Would I feel better if I had someone of my own? I don't know. Will I feel safe surrounded by my friends? Yes. Will it break my heart? Probably.

I wish I was stronger. I wish I could be the kind of person that wasn't bothered by this shit. I am though. I am bothered. I can't not go, that isn't an option. I was asked and I care about the couple so I will go. I just have to hope that this isn't a step too far. Once it's over, I can hold my head high and hopefully the next 12 months will be an adventure which might even bring me love!

Here's hoping.

Would you know my name, if I saw you in Heaven?

I hadn't fully anticipated having to write this post quite so soon. Three months and ten days after losing Grandad, we have lost Nana.

Nana's death, unlike Grandad, was expected. I feel like I have spent the last month waiting for the call, and when my parents went to Spain last week I knew it would happen while they were gone.....

In reality I have been grieving the loss of my Nana for ten years, but that never prepared me for the final chapter. Alzheimer's is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the cruellest disease I have ever witnessed. My mother has spent her entire retirement caring for both her parents and in the past few weeks Nana has not known her at all. Mum has been so strong and brave and now she has to bury both parents in less than half a year. Cruel.

My Nana was a brave, strong and fiercely proud woman. We spent every holiday with her, she was there when I broke my first bone, taught me to cook, taught me to be creative, made me laugh and was generous, kind, loving and supportive to all she loved.

Nana, I will miss you every day. I am sorry for the times your illness frustrated me, for times I was short with you. I'm sorry that I wasn't with you that final day....I hope you know I called and the last thing I said was "please tell her I love her". I'm sorry I couldn't be stronger for you, I hope you are proud of me, I hope you have your memories back, that you are no longer a prisoner in your own mind. I hope wherever you are there are owls, that there is dancing, Italian food and jumble sales but above all else I hope you and Grandad are together.

This blog will never, ever do justice to the woman who I was blessed to call Nanny Pat. To the woman who raised my incredible mother and treated my dad like a son.

Thank you for being the greatest Nana we ever could have wanted....sleep well my guardian angel x💜x

I've been Chasing Rainbows, all my life......

Oh, dear reader, I am spoiling you this week. Today's blog comes out of a great deal of thinking and wondering and is more like a stream of consciousness than anything else.  It is mostly addressing the truth of being a singleton with too much time to think!

I don't know about everyone else but after each break up I always find myself raking over the coals of every bad relationship to find the common ground, what I did wrong, how I can change, what I need to be careful of in the future....the usual. However, I also find myself thinking back to the dreaded one person who can answer these questions. The one who got away. Now, I have no idea if I am alone in this situation, there is one man who I hold no bad will to what so ever, who I genuinely wish nothing but good things for, but is also the one person who could make me ditch everyone and everything to run away with him.  Is this normal?  I highly doubt it.

This person has been in and out of my life for more years than I care to mention and we speak to this day.  When my relationship ended he checked in on me and I asked the usual questions...and the answers surprised me.  I asked if I could have been a better girlfriend, a better person, if there is something wrong with me.  He responded that no, none of those things would have changed the fact I just wasn't suited to my ex and he followed this up with "He is an idiot, you are amazing" or words to that effect.

Now, lovely reader, I can hear you thinking "If he is so perfect why aren't the two of you together?"  the answer to that is simple.  The cards simply never lined up for us.  One or other of us was in some unsuitable relationship or another, one or other of us moved away, but above all else.....one of us never spoke up. If I hadn't been so scared to say how I really felt things might have been different.  If he had been brave enough to ask, I would have said what I should have. We once had an indoor picnic just because we fancied it, it was awesome.  We used to wonder the high street on a Sunday because we could and time together was never awkward or a struggle. We are a year apart in age almost to the day, we once joked that whatever we were doing and wherever we were in the world on his 60th birthday we would fly to Vegas and meet outside the Bellagio....Before Sunset style.

I don't know what made me want to write about him today..... maybe it's my way of acknowledging that a door has closed and won't open again.  Maybe it's just nice to commit it all to some kind of written log, so that if I end up like my Nana I can read it back and remember.  Maybe it's just to thank him, if he ever reads this, for being someone who still makes me smile and to thank him for still being there.

This is what it sounds like, when doves cry....

It's been a long time, welcome back. People assumed that because I hadn't written for so long, things must be better. Not true. Every single aspect of my life has deteriorated massively, with the exception of my friends. They remain, as ever, a constant source of love and support. I have struggled with what to write about, so here is my latest offering.

My Nana has suffered from Alzheimer's for many years now. It was actually me who first spotted it and I was relentless in my insistence that something was wrong.  My grandmother was a beautiful, supportive, loving, creative, welcoming and spirited woman. She had a hard start in life but she never let it break her. Every school holiday my sister and I would stay with her and Grandad and it was Nana who took us for adventures, always thinking of cheap and cheerful ways to make our time together special. This woman made trips to the library the single most exciting highlight of the week with her enthusiasm.

My Nana was social, dragging Grandad to an endless round of clubs, dinners, dances and lectures. He hated it but went because of her ability to see everything seems like it was amazing. She collected Owl's she had dozens of the things in all shapes and sizes and my sister has carried this tradition forward. She made a patchwork quilt, something I cherish so much I keep it in a plastic box , scared it may dissolve or break.

One thing my Nana was also good at was making people feel good. It was like a sixth sense, if you felt chubby she would mention how slim you look, if you were having a bad hair day she would tell you how fabulous your hair looked. I miss that.

Today I spent time with Nana in A&E. She was terrified, screaming for help. I was a stranger in her eyes, one she deemed "ugly, lazy, useless.....I wish you were dead!" Now, I know she didn't mean it. When she calmed down after five hours of abuse she told me I was "kind and good" so why can I only remember the harshness of her words? The moment I felt like she could read my mind and turn my innermost thoughts about myself into real, tangible words? I hope my Nana isn't scared tonight, in a world familiar but unfamiliar all at once. I hope she isn't in pain. I hope when I see her next she babbles happily and blows me kisses.

I hope I can forget what she said. Above all, I hope I can remember that maybe.... she didn't mean it.

A change will do you good.....

I feel like everything is changing too quickly and I can't keep up. My friends are forging ahead in new exciting ways: Jobs, Relationships, Moving....and I remain in a rut.

People always say to me "if you don't like it, change it". Well, duh! How? This is always my stumbling block. I would love to move. My house share is making me feel trapped, my only space is tiny and it feeds my feelings of worthlessness, however I cannot afford my own place so there is where I have to stay. Sometimes you can't help what cards you are dealt.

Of course having a relationship would be nice, grieving for my Grandad, alone, has been very challenging....when you go home and cry at night alone with no one to share stories with its pretty soul destroying. BUT, my friends (for the most part) have been pretty good and frankly I am not prepared to settle for the first nutter who asks because.....well, come on, after everything I have been through, I deserve better! So that's a work in progress.

I am hoping to be struck by inspiration....guidance on how to make a change for the better. I need to address my self esteem issues, that much is clear. I need to realise that I am coming out of a period of time and series of events that may have destroyed weaker people. People tell me I am strong, especially those who have stood by me through thick and thin and, for the first time ever, I actually think they may be right...so now I need to channel that strength into becoming the best me I can. I don't know if I believe in guardian angels, but if they are real, Grandad should be starting his duties pretty soon, and he is certainly a man who won't tolerate me suffering more than I need to!

From now on people who feed my low opinion of myself can do one. From now on I am going to try to think of what is best for me, my health and my future. I will begin by looking into having a holiday....it's six years since my last one and that isn't good for anyone! So, look out beach resorts......it could be you!

Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.....

This week has reminded me that you should never feel things are getting better. The second you do, life will swiftly kick you right back down where you belong.

On Sunday I lost my Grandad. At my age this isn't a shock and he lived a long and full life but it has hit me like a truck. My Grandad was an amazing man. He came here from Cyprus as a teenager (aged 16 to be exact) on his own. He had been taught that he would be welcomed as a hairdresser and would always have work.  His brother had come here and had worked in the docks, he used to write to Grandad and tell him how wonderful England was, this made him want to come here more. His brother was killed in an accident (crushed to death by a bale of wheat) and that made Grandad more determined to realise his dream.  He learned English as soon as he came here, and here he stayed. He lived here for 80 years and never lost his accent....a source of great amusement to my family, who all have their own spin on his accent and ways he spoke.

My Grandad was a strong willed, proud, hard working and loving man. He loved his family, watching "Countdown", salted peanuts and board games. We had a long running Backgammon tournament, he often cheated but I often beat him. He always said "Only the Cypriots can play Backgammon, the English don't understand the dice." This always made me laugh "But Grandad, I am English!"
"You have the Cypriot in you....never forget that, you aren't proper English!" I would always laugh at him "Alright, Old Man....whatever you say!"....

I was fortunate to spend hours with him, playing Backgammon and trying to get him to tell me about his past. He was always sketchy about his time in the Desert Rats during WW2, as many in his generation were. I guess I will never know the full story now. He met my Nana at a dance hall. He had been stood up by her friend and went to ask her if she knew why. Nana wasn't very helpful, but she danced with my shy Grandad and they danced together for 65 years.

I will miss him every single day. I should write so much more....but right now I can't. I am glad I got to see him the day he died. I am glad the last thing he said to me was "I love you". I hope that maybe he will be my guardian angel and have a word with the powers that be about cutting me some slack....

It's safe to say that 35 has been the worst year of my life and I am only 6 months in, but with Grandad watching my back I'm sure things will start to feel better. Watch out for me Old Man, I miss you already xx

Welcome to the Jungle......

I think the reality of everything that has changed for me in the last 5 months has hit home like a tonne of bricks.  Until now I have failed to realise the permanence of my situation, as if, all at once, everything was going to suddenly change and I would find myself with a flat and a partner and a far more comfortable existence again....then the realisation.  This is it now.  Sometimes I will forget that I live in a small room in another persons house and just as quickly I will remember and it's as if I have been punched in the chest, the force of the memory can sometimes leave me winded.

The worst part is realising just how much time you need to fill in order to avoid the loneliness.  My friends are pretty awesome and during the week I am often pretty busy, but the weekends fill me with fear.  Weekends are for families and couples, they are a period of 50 some odd hours after work ends on Friday that you need to keep active in order to stop the slide into self pity and depression.

The film "About A Boy" really nailed this principle and talks about breaking the day into units of time and each activity uses a certain number of units: Bath = 1 unit, Dinner =1 unit and so forth.  If the day is 24 units I can easily fill 6 of these of an evening or night at the pub (yeah, that's right, I can spend 8 hours at the pub!), however: what if I can't go out? What if everyone is busy? The answer is you just have to suck it up, you simply have to bite down and ride it out, however you make it out the other side is irrelevant as long as you make it.

This year is going to be a busy but painful one with markers and anniversaries to get through alone. That said, the period of time I refer to as "the triangle of doom" (Christmas, New Year, Valentine's Day) is nearly over and I can start to face down high wedding season (I have an unfeasible number of weddings to attend in the next two years) which is always a chance to meet new people, make new friends and make memories, so I am all good with that.

The key is keeping busy, keeping focused and adjusting to my new normal, picking my way through the minefield with minimal mental and emotional damage. Some days this seems like an impossible task.....I know I can make this year a year of change and reinvention, a year to realise dreams and ideas I shelved for someone who wasn't worth sacrificing for. If I appear to be floundering: give me a push, if I appear to need encouraging: cheer me on and if I appear to need company, I probably do!

One thing I do know is, somehow I will get to exactly where I need to be.

Is there Life on Mars?

I have thought long and hard about what to write about this week. I have a lot of options but I thought I would take the time to talk about, like so many others, the passing of David Bowie.

When I found out he had died I genuinely struggled to believe it. How could someone so seemingly larger than life, the King of reinventing the wheel and pushing boundaries artistically and musically suddenly be gone?

The day I was born Ashes To Ashes went to number one, his music has been a part of my life since I came into this world. My father is an unashamed music fanatic and has ensured my sister and I have an eclectic taste, with his own ranging from his old Soul vinyl records to his weird love of American Skate Punk. Bowie was always there, in the mix of his ever rotating car playlists and therefore always a part of our own musical subconscious. As I grew and developed my own tastes, he still featured: strong and ever present.

I love to make mix cd's and playlists and on every version Bowie is there in some way - Life On Mars is one of my favourite records of all time, China Girl, Changes, Let's Dance, Man Who Sold the World .....the list goes on and I truly feel sad that we will never get to see how many more faces the Starman had up his sleeve.

When I was younger someone once told me I couldn't be a true Bowie fan because I don't particularly like Labyrinth. That's bull shit. I don't like Rod Stewart singing Sailing but it doesn't lessen my respect and love for him (also courtesy of my Dad). David Bowie was a voice for the people, a man who showed us it is ok to simply be whoever and whatever you choose, his lyrics were fantastic, his creativity unparalleled and the world is definitely a much less colourful and theatrical place without him.

I was lucky enough to see him play his last ever live performance in England in 2004 at the Isle of Wight festival. The gig was special to me because I was seeing a hero on stage at the very festival my own father attended in the 70's. By coincidence I bumped into three school friends. One of them I spent the entire day reminiscing with, two I saw right at the front, right there as the great man himself played. It was a moment we all remember (I still maintain he was staring right at me during Ashes To Ashes....he knew!)

I thank you David for the music which has underscored my whole life so far, memories and the theatrical gift you gave us. I thank you for being brave enough to simply be yourself and for seeming to remain humble and grounded in spite of achieving the level of fame few will see again. This weekend I will raise a glass for you: we can, indeed, be Heroes, just for one day.....you truly were the Starman, so shine on.

Hold on for one more day....

Well, Christmas came and went, back to work tomorrow. I had a great time, sometimes marred by my sense of isolation but mostly really good and I started to feel much better. I had finally turned a corner and I haven't had as much fun for a long time!

Now, I have spoken before about how difficult Christmas can be, but I love New Year. The anticipation of a whole new chapter, ready to make new memories and experience new things. This year was particularly exciting because, let's face it, last year was so God awful! New Dress, New shoes, I was absolutely buzzing for it and my evening was off to an amazing start.....midnight came and I was absolutely loving it. Then as you do you check your phone just in case someone you care about and isn't with you sends you a message.

This was a fatal error. There was a message from my ex, a number I had tried, clearly unsuccessfully, to block, wishing me a " wonderful new year"......

Really?! REALLY?!! Well, I was blown away by the sheer audacity. The fact that I had already made myself very clear on the never wanting to hear from him again seemed lost on him. Who does that to am ex partner when they have a new one and the split has been nasty?! I happened to be with a friend who also took exception to this and the next thing I know, half the pub is outside posing for a picture extending their middle fingers to him. It is essential to note I was not in the picture nor was it my idea!  This was an act of friendship from a group of people who care about me. Of course, this then got posted to social media, I said then that it would only come back on me and I was right.

Three O'clock Saturday morning I then receive a message calling me all kinds of pathetic and petty...."I expected better from you" I pointed out I wasn't in the picture. Then the tactics change "I miss you, I miss spending time with you, I only want you to be happy, I only want what's best for you...."

If any of this was true then why not just heed my wish to be left alone? Why text demands for petty items from our lives together when you kept all the important things?  Why rub your new relationship, with someone you made me feel paranoid about for our last month's together, in my face? The same person you were texting for weeks before you broke my heart, including the night before you ended our relationship.

I feel as if all my hard work has come undone. Like all the pieces I had put back together with Blu Tac and Chewing gum have smashed apart leaving a massive open wound.

My friends tell me to forget it, move on. My question is how? Every time I make progress I am sent smashing back down to an even lower point than before?! I feel pathetic that I have let this happen. I am physically and mentally exhausted, not to mention emotionally drained.

When I wake up I am going to start planning. Planning ways to enrich my life, mentally and physically. Planning my next steps forward, how I can recover from this latest blow. I will you know, because I am not having this happen to me ever again.