It's a nice day to start again.....

I have been struggling to know what to write about. Things are still not totally groovy but they are improving, slowly.

In the past week I have celebrated my birthday ( which always hits me hard....) and also smashed through the one year anniversary of losing my relationship, home and mind.

For the first time in a long time,  this year I truly enjoyed my birthday celebrations. Everyone I care about outside of my family was there, either at one or both celebrations. I was humbled by how many people gave a shit to be honest! My oldest friends and my newest all came to show me love and I genuinely couldn't thank them enough.

At the pub on Saturday I had a conversation with someone saying how happy I was that I made it to my birthday. I wasn't joking. There were parts of the past 12 months which I genuinely thought would finish me. I wasn't sure how to cope, how to wake up and carry on. I did though. I explained about everything that had happened and he was shocked. He said he never would have known how bad things were because I always seem so together. I laughed, because I don't feel remotely together!

Losing Nana and Grandad has reminded me how fragile life is, how there is a lot I missed out on by being made to feel like everything I enjoyed was wrong. I have been trying to say yes to a lot more opportunities. Trying to enjoy what I do have, however little. There is one last hurdle to jump over before I can say I am back to myself.

I am going to a lot of weddings, not unusual for me....however one is going to leave me face to face with my ex and the girl he replaced me with. I am struggling to sleep because I am so worried about how this will make me feel. A day I should be celebrating love and happiness and I will be face to face with the person who almost destroyed me and the person he did this for. Would I feel better if I had someone of my own? I don't know. Will I feel safe surrounded by my friends? Yes. Will it break my heart? Probably.

I wish I was stronger. I wish I could be the kind of person that wasn't bothered by this shit. I am though. I am bothered. I can't not go, that isn't an option. I was asked and I care about the couple so I will go. I just have to hope that this isn't a step too far. Once it's over, I can hold my head high and hopefully the next 12 months will be an adventure which might even bring me love!

Here's hoping.