Our House, in the middle of our street....

So I am moving on Sunday. The beginning of a new chapter and all that jazz, back out of the parents and into another houseshare (I thought those days were behind me in all honesty) huzzah and hoorah....you would think!

I started packing and all my posessions, (dvds aside) the ones you really need, fit into one suitcase. One. Suitcase. Now whilst this is convenient in one respect, it has actually succeeded in making me feel like an even bigger fuck up than I already did. How can a 35 year old only own enough to fit in one suitcase?

The truth is I have never really owned a great deal, the most I have possessed was during my last relationship and I walked away from those things when I left the flat, having had my heart served up on a platter: post mincer. People have been feeding me platitudes about how they are simply material goods, that really I am so much better off not being tied by these things.....really? Is that true? If I got a call from someone saying their whole life had gone up in flames would that be my response? A close friend nailed it when I had a breakdown over, of all things, towels.

I suddenly became overwhelmingly aware that I didn't own any towels. This immediately became the trigger for a full meltdown over every bad decision I had ever made. How can I be a grown woman who doesn't own a towel?! Of course I don't own towels, of course I can't be found attractive, of course I am crap at my job....you get the idea. Pathetic I know but the journey I am on, I have discovered, is like a rollercoaster no one quite finished building! Having had three months of feeling as if I have reached the end of my tether this felt like the biggest deal ever.

My friend pointed out that while all the things I don't have are, indeed, material possessions, it is what they represent. The accumulation of items making your home your own, leaving your mark and also how society judges us. I told her I was sick of feeling so lost and down because there are people in worse situations. She repeated an adage she has shared before. "You have to wake up to your shit everyday. No one else, just you. Your shit is bad and it is your daily reality, screw everyone else's bad time, just keep moving forward"

I am tired of feeling sad. I am tired of feeling useless and lonely. This is not forever, this is only for now and hopefully my new start will be just that.....a door opening to my future, screw my anxiety, screw the material possessions and screw anyone who decides to treat me as anything other than the awesome human being I can be. I am coming back brighter so, dammit, watch me shine.....eventually!

NB: I now own towels....like a proper adult!