This weekend was the big move, I now reside in a houseshare for the first time in a long time and the adjustment is pretty scary. I used to be the kind of person who could talk to anyone but these days I have become so guarded it's pretty much impossible for anyone to get close.
There is a reason for this: People are wildly unpredictable and will, more often than not, let you down. If the last few months have taught me anything it is that you should trust your instincts and if someone or something doesn't seem like they have your best interests at heart keep the walls high! Oh, I can hear you all saying it now "How will you ever meet anyone new if you keep putting distance between yourself and new people?" Well, if I knew the answer to that......
I have learned to keep my circle small. I have a good number of "mates"; people who are fun to hang out with and be around, people who I can pass time with BUT the truest friends are the ones who can tell without my saying a word just how I am feeling.
Last week I went to see one of my oldest friends. She has been in my life for 24 years and as I walked towards her she looked at me opened her arms hugged me and said "I know that walk, what's wrong?" The fact of the matter is I couldn't explain what was wrong but she absolutely knew something wasn't right, that I was not myself (whatever that is these days) and that really all I needed was a hug and someone to just sit with me.
Don't get me wrong, in the last few years I have made a newer circle of friends, people who really do care and look out for me and I see these people pretty frequently. For them I am grateful because their acceptance of me into their lives has made sure I have a thriving social life and a sense of inclusion I haven't felt since......well, I don't really know when! My burning question this week is how can you tell a true friend from a fake one? How can you know that if you let those walls down you won't just be stabbed in the back and made to feel stupid by someone you allow to get close?
Another good friend of mine recently had a big falling out with someone very close to them. The things that were said were hurtful and unnecessary and, worse, not even true. It broke my heart that someone I care about was being treated this way and I couldn't adequately comfort her. How can I make her believe that the things that had been said about her weren't true for everyone? That she really is a great person who has consistently, no matter the distance, made my life better simply by being in it? Well the truth is that once one person breaks your trust it's easy to believe that ALL people will behave the same way. I hope she recovers from this, I hope she can see her value to those who matter. She is very creative, loving, generous and hilarious. Her humour is what made me warm to her even when others find getting close to her difficult. Perhaps we are just very similar in that respect....
In short moving has left me feeling very mixed up and isolated. The isolation comes from the unfamiliar. As uncomfortable as being back in my family home was, it was familiar and if I felt lonely I could sit in the living room with my parents and simply be comforted by their presence. A good friend came and sat with me Sunday night watching TV because he knew that being alone in a new place might make me feel lost. No small thing when his life is very challenging at the moment. That level of kindness can never be repaid especially not with words on a page. When my relationship ended I lost my home, my comfort and above all the companionship I had felt, these are things which are not easy to replace. I thank my truest friends for being there for me. Listening when I need them, sitting with me when words just aren't going to cut it and offering me solace from my sense of isolation. Anyone who feels I am a burden to them, fine. I know who my friends are, who can be counted on when things are simply too much to bare alone. I am filled with love for the people who have stood shoulder to shoulder with me in all this. The ones who never question my intentions, never ask me to justify my actions and most importantly.....just get me. To you all, near and far, old friends and new I say: hang in there, this is only for now and one day soon my sparkle will come back bigger and brighter than ever and woe betide the people who try to drag me down!
NB: My room may be small but company and conversation is always appreciated!
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