Is this the real life....?

I find myself turning to blogging to make sense of the noise in my head.  2015 has been the toughest year of my life and one week (to the day) after turning 35 my relationship ended. This led to me losing my flat and having to slope back to my parents home....again. So here I am 35, single, childless and homeless. Intense!

On a daily basis I find myself wondering if there are many others out there like me.  Never married, never a mother or a father, forced to live back at home through circumstance and then I wonder if they feel like I do.....lost, isolated and a bit like the broken toy left in the bottom of a toy box that kids love to play with but never want to make their favourite.

This time of year places a magnifying glass over those feelings.  Christmas is about loved ones, family and friends.  Now, I have many wonderful friends and from that side of things I am blessed BUT when you are the spare chair around the family Christmas table it is often the case that you feel at odds with the most wonderful time of the year. At this age your friends are more often than not settled and have beautiful families of their own.  They are welcoming and loving but you still crave the sense of truly belonging to your own crazy bunch of misfits.

If there are others like me I wonder if they too feel like the only chance for happiness they might have is grabbing the first broken toy they can find? Do we, the ones left behind, have no choice but to settle for less than we feel we deserve? The answer is obviously NO; but how do we find that happiness that seems to be so easy to come by for others?  I am hoping that by writing my feelings down I can gain some clarity, see a brighter pathway and not have to second guess myself.  I am good enough, I am loveable, I am worthy.....now I need to find a way forward through the quagmire of my own brain to make the theory a reality.  There is support out there for divorce, grief and single parents, so lets create support for those who have tried and failed and don't want to give up, the ones of us who are "great friends" and "wonderful people" but want to be someone else's joy, light, partner and love. Individually we struggle but maybe together we can find a way through!