Who are you?

This weekend I did something I was scared to do. I went to a party which was largely made up of strangers. Now, I used to be the kind of person who would walk into a room and randomly start chatting to anyone, it would appear I have become incredibly socially anxious.

This opinion of myself was later reconfirmed when I went to the pub. I was chatting with a guy who I have known a while and he said the following thing to me: You have never opened up to me before, you always used to come here and be quiet, float around, almost like you were scared to speak to people, now you aren't with your ex you seem chattier, happier....I am glad I am getting to know this you. I like this you.

Admittedly he was drunk but it begs the question: Can I become the old socially confident me again? Can I become the person who walks into a room of strangers and leaves with at least one new friend? The indicators suggest I am heading in the right direction, if what my friend said through an alcohol infused fog holds true....

In truth, I don't know. I am so plagued by self doubt (the usual things; too fat, too ugly, not interesting enough) and now this new layer added by a bad breakup and two years of adapting myself, subconsciously, to fit my ex's expectations...which is ironic when you consider that he finished it, so I didn't even manage that. I want to be that person again, in truth I need to become that person again in order to make new friends and potentially(a while away, I suspect) meet a new partner.

Will I be able to rediscover myself? Will I be able to recapture my ability to hold conversations with strangers? I hope so. I don't really know where to begin to be honest....but I need to keep doing things that scare me. Maybe that's the key. Maybe the old me isn't the answer, but creating a new me, a more confident but cautious me, that could be the way forward.....I hope!

Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl......

So this weekend happened.  I spent a great deal of time fretting over whether I was capable of performing on Friday night and then facing the Ex and his new girlfriend.  It was a pretty bad week mentally and emotionally and I barely slept Thursday night, frightened of all the possible outcomes....

Now, my parents and friends were puzzled over this.  My parents were especially concerned by the fact that I was doubting my ability to deliver a good cabaret performance.  No matter how bad things have ever got, I have always known one thing.  I can sing.  I am not the most amazing singer on the planet but I can definitely hold my own.  How had I allowed myself to get to a point where the only certainty in my life became a thing of fear and worry?

I had no reason to worry,  I painted my face, slipped on a lovely dress and heels and for once even my hair went perfectly.  Once I was out there in the space  I remembered something fundamental.  I love performing.  Lola Blue is a character I created to prevent myself feeling anxious and exposed on stage and once I reconnected with that persona, it was as if I had never been away.  The crowd were appreciative and I did what I needed to do well. I left absolutely buzzing and decided to keep that persona up for as long as possible to go and confront the awkwardness of being faced with my Ex head on.....but as predicted, he wasn't there when I arrived.  A part of me was relieved and another part of me was annoyed because I had worked myself up to this moment.  I looked good, I felt good, but no....they had left!  All in all I had a good time and felt more positive but one thing still niggles at me.  How can Lola Blue be so confident in herself, her attractiveness and her ability but as myself I can't?

It is beyond me how, as Lola Blue, I can tell a man I like his face but it would look better on my pillow, yet as myself, the idea of approaching a guy I find attractive makes me feel sick.  As Lola I make men follow me around a space as part of a performance they have only come to watch, Lola can sit on guys laps, kiss their cheeks, proposition them and not even bat an eyelid.....but the idea of me ever doing that as myself makes me feel silly, like they will laugh in my face and tell me I am stupid and not worth their time.

I AM Lola.  Lola simply cannot exist without me so why do I feel as though I am completely separate from her?  Why do I feel as if she is worth peoples time and attention but I am not?  My dad has told me more than once that the one thing he admires about me is my tenacity.  The fact that no matter what shitty cards I get dealt, I will graft, dig my heels in and eventually reach my goal, no matter how long it takes me, no matter the difficulties; I have never before allowed myself to be defeated.  Maybe Lola is the embodiment of all the stubbornness, confidence and self-belief I have so frequently allowed others to squash in me?  Perhaps the key to success and building a comfortable future for myself is to simply allow Lola Blue to filter into my everyday life a little more.

When people tell me Lola looks beautiful, I have to remember that it's because I look beautiful.  When people tell me Lola has an amazing voice and that she is very funny, I have to remember that she sings with my voice, tells jokes and makes quips from my head. Maybe the key to getting through the difficulties I currently face is to simply take stock for a moment and ask myself, what would Lola do?

It is also worth mentioning that Lola and I have some amazing friends who made turning up at the pub so much easier.  The kind of friends who are brutally honest but fiercely loyal and who kept me beaming until the second I left. They saw the Ex, some spoke to him, but none made me feel as though I was stupid for feeling how I did.  Some wanted to beat him silly (violence is never the answer.....) some simply wanted to make him feel as shit as he made me feel but all of them offered me support, love, hugs, jokes and a drink.....One told me he was glad to see me back.  The old me, the strong, feisty me who he first met and he hadn't seen for months.  He reminded me that I deserve to be picky, that I deserve only the best and certainly not someone who is going to make me feel weak and controlled.  I promised him I am going to try to make sure I stay. From now on I am going to always ask myself....What Would Lola Do?  And if Lola wouldn't then I won't either.....and if Lola would.....well, I just might!

Standing in the way of control......

I have had a hard week. Just to be clear about this, I have been having a pretty difficult time overall but the past 7 days have been relentless. I haven't exactly been myself (beginning to wonder what that even is) I have been sad, angry, defeated and generally broken which has resulted in arguments, misunderstandings my behaving in a way that is seriously unlike me and to top it all off for the first time in living memory, I left one of my Best Friends birthday celebrations early because simply being around people was too much.

I began to wonder if that was that and finally everything had become as bad as it was going to get.....never ask that question because as surely as day follows night something else will happen and push you over the edge of the crumbling cliff edge you stand upon.

Two major things happened yesterday that truly made me feel as if it is never going to end.  The first was that one of the students at my school took his own life. He was 17 and although I never taught him I knew him from around the school and he was a good friend to my students. There are no words for the sense of waste we all feel about this.  How could someone so popular and cheerful be so desperate that he felt that was the only way forward?  Of course in my own head, as dishevelled as it is, I can understand to a point the sense of hopelessness that might drive a person in that direction. I spent yesterday afternoon trying to help my students make sense of this, help them to understand that if they didn't realise there was a problem then in no way could they have prevented this from happening.  It's all just words though.  Those young people will never be the same again, the sense of sadness, fear and confusion amongst them is palpable. I hope that in some way this starts a dialogue between them that means no one suffers alone.

Literally five minutes after I was told this news I received a text message from the Ex.  A "polite heads up" that he will be going to my local on Friday, a day I was going to go and see my friends band, and he will be taking his new girlfriend......

Now, he has an uncanny knack of timing these things perfectly.  For example the last time he deigned to contact me was to demand a DVD from me ten minutes before I was about to go on stage for a highly publicised show he absolutely knew was happening. He ended our relationship one week after my birthday and on my parents 40th Wedding Anniversary. So part of me was not in the slightest bit shocked to discover that two weeks before Christmas, on the very night I am returning to the Cabaret circuit (something he felt I shouldn't do because it meant I would be taking time away from our relationship) he would choose an event I am attending to make his triumphant return to a place he openly disliked, full of people he hasn't bothered with in months to show everyone just how wonderful his life is.

My initial instinct was to avoid the place like the plague. To avoid my being made to feel even more worthless and upset than I already am just leave it and not go.  It would appear that everyone else feels this would be an error.  Why allow him to take the last thing I took from the relationship?  Why allow him to see that this bothers me in any way?  Well, the truth is, of course it bothers me.  Another woman in the flat I chose, sleeping in the bed I paid for, eating food prepared with utensils and pots I also paid for and watching DVD's I PAID FOR! Of course that bothers me, I would be a liar if I said that I am cool.

However, my mother made a great point. The whole time I was with him it was about control, telling me I was wrong all the time, how I should or shouldn't go out, who to see, that my music taste was rubbish (hilarious really, when you consider how wildly eclectic my tastes are there is literally a bit of everything in there!) that I was selfish for participating in my lifelong love of theatre once a week, that I needed to get a new job and a part time job because I didn't earn as much as him.....the list is endless. Sometimes people witnessed this behaviour and sometimes they didn't. Using passive aggression and guilt trips to erode my sense of self and perspective. The point is I am free now.  Once I confront this head on, he no longer has the power to control me. So I am going to that gig, fresh from my return to Cabaret (which means I will be in full make-up and costume when I arrive)  I will have the biggest smile on my face and as far as I am concerned, he doesn't exist. His presence in the bar is a mere inconvenience and because I will have been performing as a confident, sassy singer all night I shall simply carry my stage persona along with me.

It will be hard. I will probably break down once I get home, but,  I am not, ever, giving him the power to control me again. Enjoy your night and I hope to god that your new girlfriend enjoys being controlled and manipulated, because I am never being put in that position again. I think I may be beyond sad now......now I am angry!

I'll get by with a little help from my friends.....

This weekend was the big move, I now reside in a houseshare for the first time in a long time and the adjustment is pretty scary.  I used to be the kind of person who could talk to anyone but these days I have become so guarded it's pretty much impossible for anyone to get close.

There is a reason for this: People are wildly unpredictable and will, more often than not, let you down. If the last few months have taught me anything it is that you should trust your instincts and if someone or something doesn't seem like they have your best interests at heart keep the walls high! Oh, I can hear you all saying it now "How will you ever meet anyone new if you keep putting distance between yourself and new people?"  Well, if I knew the answer to that......

I have learned to keep my circle small.  I have a good number of "mates"; people who are fun to hang out with and be around, people who I can pass time with BUT the truest friends are the ones who can tell without my saying a word just how I am feeling.

Last week I went to see one of my oldest friends.  She has been in my life for 24 years and as I walked towards her she looked at me opened her arms hugged me and said "I know that walk, what's wrong?" The fact of the matter is I couldn't explain what was wrong but she absolutely knew something wasn't right, that I was not myself (whatever that is these days) and that really all I needed was a hug and someone to just sit with me.

Don't get me wrong, in the last few years I have made a newer circle of friends, people who really do care and look out for me and I see these people pretty frequently. For them I am grateful because their acceptance of me into their lives has made sure I have a thriving social life and a sense of inclusion I haven't felt since......well, I don't really know when!  My burning question this week is how can you tell a true friend from a fake one? How can you know that if you let those walls down you won't just be stabbed in the back and made to feel stupid by someone you allow to get close?

Another good friend of mine recently had a big falling out with someone very close to them.  The things that were said were hurtful and unnecessary and, worse, not even true. It broke my heart that someone I care about was being treated this way and I couldn't adequately comfort her. How can I make her believe that the things that had been said about her weren't true for everyone?  That she really is a great person who has consistently, no matter the distance, made my life better simply by being in it? Well the truth is that once one person breaks your trust it's easy to believe that ALL people will behave the same way. I hope she recovers from this, I hope she can see her value to those who matter.  She is very creative, loving, generous and hilarious. Her humour is what made me warm to her even when others find getting close to her difficult.  Perhaps we are just very similar in that respect....

In short moving has left me feeling very mixed up and isolated.  The isolation comes from the unfamiliar. As uncomfortable as being back in my family home was, it was familiar and if I felt lonely I could sit in the living room with my parents and simply be comforted by their presence. A good friend came and sat with me Sunday night watching TV because he knew that being alone in a new place might make me feel lost.  No small thing when his life is very challenging at the moment.  That level of kindness can never be repaid especially not with words on a page. When my relationship ended I lost my home, my comfort and above all the companionship I had felt, these are things which are not easy to replace. I thank my truest friends for being there for me. Listening when I need them, sitting with me when words just aren't going to cut it and offering me solace from my sense of isolation. Anyone who feels I am a burden to them, fine. I know who my friends are, who can be counted on when things are simply too much to bare alone. I am filled with love for the people who have stood shoulder to shoulder with me in all this. The ones who never question my intentions, never ask me to justify my actions and most importantly.....just get me. To you all, near and far, old friends and new I say: hang in there, this is only for now and one day soon my sparkle will come back bigger and brighter than ever and woe betide the people who try to drag me down!

NB:  My room may be small but company and conversation is always appreciated!

Our House, in the middle of our street....

So I am moving on Sunday. The beginning of a new chapter and all that jazz, back out of the parents and into another houseshare (I thought those days were behind me in all honesty) huzzah and hoorah....you would think!

I started packing and all my posessions, (dvds aside) the ones you really need, fit into one suitcase. One. Suitcase. Now whilst this is convenient in one respect, it has actually succeeded in making me feel like an even bigger fuck up than I already did. How can a 35 year old only own enough to fit in one suitcase?

The truth is I have never really owned a great deal, the most I have possessed was during my last relationship and I walked away from those things when I left the flat, having had my heart served up on a platter: post mincer. People have been feeding me platitudes about how they are simply material goods, that really I am so much better off not being tied by these things.....really? Is that true? If I got a call from someone saying their whole life had gone up in flames would that be my response? A close friend nailed it when I had a breakdown over, of all things, towels.

I suddenly became overwhelmingly aware that I didn't own any towels. This immediately became the trigger for a full meltdown over every bad decision I had ever made. How can I be a grown woman who doesn't own a towel?! Of course I don't own towels, of course I can't be found attractive, of course I am crap at my job....you get the idea. Pathetic I know but the journey I am on, I have discovered, is like a rollercoaster no one quite finished building! Having had three months of feeling as if I have reached the end of my tether this felt like the biggest deal ever.

My friend pointed out that while all the things I don't have are, indeed, material possessions, it is what they represent. The accumulation of items making your home your own, leaving your mark and also how society judges us. I told her I was sick of feeling so lost and down because there are people in worse situations. She repeated an adage she has shared before. "You have to wake up to your shit everyday. No one else, just you. Your shit is bad and it is your daily reality, screw everyone else's bad time, just keep moving forward"

I am tired of feeling sad. I am tired of feeling useless and lonely. This is not forever, this is only for now and hopefully my new start will be just that.....a door opening to my future, screw my anxiety, screw the material possessions and screw anyone who decides to treat me as anything other than the awesome human being I can be. I am coming back brighter so, dammit, watch me shine.....eventually!

NB: I now own towels....like a proper adult!

I'm a legal alien....

I despair of humanity sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I know that there are people out there who don't want to hurt others, who never want to inflict mental or physical pain on others, but what about those who do?

I have been unfortunate enough in my life to meet some truly nasty individuals, people who enjoyed making myself or others feel small or worthless, people who enjoyed taking what little power we had in our lives and making us feel unworthy. For the most part, I don't have people like that in my inner circles anymore, mostly because the number of people I allow to be close nowadays is very, very small and my anxieties tend to push people away fairly quickly.....however it hasn't escaped my notice that the world has shrunk due to social media and now every human with an opinion (which I agree everyone is entitled to) is encouraged to spout whatever they think and feel 24/7. Opinions are great, educated opinions are wonderful and can lead to debate and conversation and can even strengthen bonds even if they differ. Now, as someone who struggles with the spoken word, but not so much with the written this could be viewed as a good thing, sadly the events of the last few weeks, months and years have shown me that this isn't the case.

My heart breaks to see the world being destroyed by a small number of people who claim to be doing it in the name of "religion". It breaks even more to see the bile and hatred being spread towards anyone who has ever even expressed an interest in that same religion. Since a very young age I have sworn against organised religion, for a number of reasons but largely because I believe that people should simply love, share, be kind and be good. I feel that the rules and restrictions imposed by religion can too easily he twisted into negativity....and I feel this is proving me right.

I think of the future and it scares me, hate scares me, pain scares me and I hope that somehow the world can realise that although extremeism needs to be eradicated, it exists in more than one religion, at more than one door and in more than one country. Please stop hating children who only want to be safe at night, please stop judging all by one person's actions. Please don't start a war we can never hope to come out of alive.

My thoughts are with all of humanity, anyone who has lost someone due to the spite of a violent few. It is not limited to those in the West, my compassion is endless. Prove me right humanity, be good, be kind.

Is this the real life....?

I find myself turning to blogging to make sense of the noise in my head.  2015 has been the toughest year of my life and one week (to the day) after turning 35 my relationship ended. This led to me losing my flat and having to slope back to my parents home....again. So here I am 35, single, childless and homeless. Intense!

On a daily basis I find myself wondering if there are many others out there like me.  Never married, never a mother or a father, forced to live back at home through circumstance and then I wonder if they feel like I do.....lost, isolated and a bit like the broken toy left in the bottom of a toy box that kids love to play with but never want to make their favourite.

This time of year places a magnifying glass over those feelings.  Christmas is about loved ones, family and friends.  Now, I have many wonderful friends and from that side of things I am blessed BUT when you are the spare chair around the family Christmas table it is often the case that you feel at odds with the most wonderful time of the year. At this age your friends are more often than not settled and have beautiful families of their own.  They are welcoming and loving but you still crave the sense of truly belonging to your own crazy bunch of misfits.

If there are others like me I wonder if they too feel like the only chance for happiness they might have is grabbing the first broken toy they can find? Do we, the ones left behind, have no choice but to settle for less than we feel we deserve? The answer is obviously NO; but how do we find that happiness that seems to be so easy to come by for others?  I am hoping that by writing my feelings down I can gain some clarity, see a brighter pathway and not have to second guess myself.  I am good enough, I am loveable, I am worthy.....now I need to find a way forward through the quagmire of my own brain to make the theory a reality.  There is support out there for divorce, grief and single parents, so lets create support for those who have tried and failed and don't want to give up, the ones of us who are "great friends" and "wonderful people" but want to be someone else's joy, light, partner and love. Individually we struggle but maybe together we can find a way through!