The emotion of today is definitely anger. I am struggling to move past the anger I feel at my current circumstances and sadly it is making my ability to see the situation and people around it clearly.
My former friend went to his grave believing several things about me that I know aren't true. I pride myself on my loyalty and those closest to me know that this can be my biggest strength and also my most damaging weakness. I shield people to protect them and sometimes not the right people. I defend people I love unquestioningly and that isn't always the best idea either.
Two years ago, I learned one of the hardest lessons I have ever been taught, at a time I had already lost almost everything. I recovered. This has brought all of that crashing back into 4K focus, the pain, the betrayal, the humiliation of having no one fight my corner. No one defended me. No one had my back.
Maybe that's why I am choosing to grieve privately. I feel irrelevant and that's how I have been made to feel so why not just embrace the isolation? I have a handful of trusted friends I know would never have allowed this to happen if I had just reached out two years ago. Sadly, my loyalty didn't allow that. Those trusted friends know what I am struggling with now.
Trust and loyalty should be hard won and deserved. I know this now and I absolutely do not trust to the degree I used to. I am also only loyal now to those who truly look out for me. A fair exchange I believe.
To my former friend: If death brings with it a wealth of knowledge, an ability to see the truth where maybe it wasn't clear before all I will say is this......I hope you know now. I hope you have seen the truth with your own eyes. I hope you know I was nothing but loyal and trusting. I just hope you know and I'm sorry you couldn't see it before.
Wednesday, 13 February 2019
Tuesday, 12 February 2019
Somebody that I used to know.....
Estrangement is a bizarre thing. Someone who was once so integral to your life and so much a part of everything you did suddenly no longer has any role to play and disappears almost as if they never were there. Of course, they were there. They existed as a force of nature so strong and present that the idea of them simply not being there is sometimes to big to comprehend. Friendships end, sometimes with no reason, sometimes with a real poisonous, horrendous explosion of anger that you can never go back.
You often think that maybe someday hatchets will be buried, forgiveness and understanding obtained and all will be right once again. So what do you do when there is never, ever going to be that opportunity again? How do you process that?
A person I was close to, extremely close to, died this weekend. The key word in that sentence is WAS. We fell out two years ago, fences were not mended and I mourned the loss of that friendship in a similar way that I had to navigate the deaths of my Grandparents that same year. So do I have a right to grieve now? Fifteen years of closeness, fun, adventures and memories still exist. He was so much a part of who I am today can I ever really be expected to just shrug it off?
I feel like I should grieve. I feel his loss as keenly as if I had been sitting shooting the shit over a beer just last week, not just over two years ago. I feel I will not be welcome to attend his funeral, to really say that symbolic and final goodbye. My family will be there and they will do their best to mourn on my behalf. I feel like my sadness needs to be contained. That I need to speak only of how I feel to very specific and trusted individuals, the ones who won't wonder why I am so sad about the loss of someone I used to know.
I want it known I am sad. I miss him and will continue to miss him, probably for the rest of my life. I miss the adventures and rambling conversations. All I have is pictures, cherished memories and a scarring sense of loss like a two year old wound has reopened in my heart and may never fix.
This is the first of probably many posts I will write to try and make sense of this. If anyone has any idea how you move through this, please tell me because for now my sorrow, regret and guilt are too big to be dealt with.
You often think that maybe someday hatchets will be buried, forgiveness and understanding obtained and all will be right once again. So what do you do when there is never, ever going to be that opportunity again? How do you process that?
A person I was close to, extremely close to, died this weekend. The key word in that sentence is WAS. We fell out two years ago, fences were not mended and I mourned the loss of that friendship in a similar way that I had to navigate the deaths of my Grandparents that same year. So do I have a right to grieve now? Fifteen years of closeness, fun, adventures and memories still exist. He was so much a part of who I am today can I ever really be expected to just shrug it off?
I feel like I should grieve. I feel his loss as keenly as if I had been sitting shooting the shit over a beer just last week, not just over two years ago. I feel I will not be welcome to attend his funeral, to really say that symbolic and final goodbye. My family will be there and they will do their best to mourn on my behalf. I feel like my sadness needs to be contained. That I need to speak only of how I feel to very specific and trusted individuals, the ones who won't wonder why I am so sad about the loss of someone I used to know.
I want it known I am sad. I miss him and will continue to miss him, probably for the rest of my life. I miss the adventures and rambling conversations. All I have is pictures, cherished memories and a scarring sense of loss like a two year old wound has reopened in my heart and may never fix.
This is the first of probably many posts I will write to try and make sense of this. If anyone has any idea how you move through this, please tell me because for now my sorrow, regret and guilt are too big to be dealt with.
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