Welcome to the Jungle......

I think the reality of everything that has changed for me in the last 5 months has hit home like a tonne of bricks.  Until now I have failed to realise the permanence of my situation, as if, all at once, everything was going to suddenly change and I would find myself with a flat and a partner and a far more comfortable existence again....then the realisation.  This is it now.  Sometimes I will forget that I live in a small room in another persons house and just as quickly I will remember and it's as if I have been punched in the chest, the force of the memory can sometimes leave me winded.

The worst part is realising just how much time you need to fill in order to avoid the loneliness.  My friends are pretty awesome and during the week I am often pretty busy, but the weekends fill me with fear.  Weekends are for families and couples, they are a period of 50 some odd hours after work ends on Friday that you need to keep active in order to stop the slide into self pity and depression.

The film "About A Boy" really nailed this principle and talks about breaking the day into units of time and each activity uses a certain number of units: Bath = 1 unit, Dinner =1 unit and so forth.  If the day is 24 units I can easily fill 6 of these of an evening or night at the pub (yeah, that's right, I can spend 8 hours at the pub!), however: what if I can't go out? What if everyone is busy? The answer is you just have to suck it up, you simply have to bite down and ride it out, however you make it out the other side is irrelevant as long as you make it.

This year is going to be a busy but painful one with markers and anniversaries to get through alone. That said, the period of time I refer to as "the triangle of doom" (Christmas, New Year, Valentine's Day) is nearly over and I can start to face down high wedding season (I have an unfeasible number of weddings to attend in the next two years) which is always a chance to meet new people, make new friends and make memories, so I am all good with that.

The key is keeping busy, keeping focused and adjusting to my new normal, picking my way through the minefield with minimal mental and emotional damage. Some days this seems like an impossible task.....I know I can make this year a year of change and reinvention, a year to realise dreams and ideas I shelved for someone who wasn't worth sacrificing for. If I appear to be floundering: give me a push, if I appear to need encouraging: cheer me on and if I appear to need company, I probably do!

One thing I do know is, somehow I will get to exactly where I need to be.

Is there Life on Mars?

I have thought long and hard about what to write about this week. I have a lot of options but I thought I would take the time to talk about, like so many others, the passing of David Bowie.

When I found out he had died I genuinely struggled to believe it. How could someone so seemingly larger than life, the King of reinventing the wheel and pushing boundaries artistically and musically suddenly be gone?

The day I was born Ashes To Ashes went to number one, his music has been a part of my life since I came into this world. My father is an unashamed music fanatic and has ensured my sister and I have an eclectic taste, with his own ranging from his old Soul vinyl records to his weird love of American Skate Punk. Bowie was always there, in the mix of his ever rotating car playlists and therefore always a part of our own musical subconscious. As I grew and developed my own tastes, he still featured: strong and ever present.

I love to make mix cd's and playlists and on every version Bowie is there in some way - Life On Mars is one of my favourite records of all time, China Girl, Changes, Let's Dance, Man Who Sold the World .....the list goes on and I truly feel sad that we will never get to see how many more faces the Starman had up his sleeve.

When I was younger someone once told me I couldn't be a true Bowie fan because I don't particularly like Labyrinth. That's bull shit. I don't like Rod Stewart singing Sailing but it doesn't lessen my respect and love for him (also courtesy of my Dad). David Bowie was a voice for the people, a man who showed us it is ok to simply be whoever and whatever you choose, his lyrics were fantastic, his creativity unparalleled and the world is definitely a much less colourful and theatrical place without him.

I was lucky enough to see him play his last ever live performance in England in 2004 at the Isle of Wight festival. The gig was special to me because I was seeing a hero on stage at the very festival my own father attended in the 70's. By coincidence I bumped into three school friends. One of them I spent the entire day reminiscing with, two I saw right at the front, right there as the great man himself played. It was a moment we all remember (I still maintain he was staring right at me during Ashes To Ashes....he knew!)

I thank you David for the music which has underscored my whole life so far, memories and the theatrical gift you gave us. I thank you for being brave enough to simply be yourself and for seeming to remain humble and grounded in spite of achieving the level of fame few will see again. This weekend I will raise a glass for you: we can, indeed, be Heroes, just for one day.....you truly were the Starman, so shine on.

Hold on for one more day....

Well, Christmas came and went, back to work tomorrow. I had a great time, sometimes marred by my sense of isolation but mostly really good and I started to feel much better. I had finally turned a corner and I haven't had as much fun for a long time!

Now, I have spoken before about how difficult Christmas can be, but I love New Year. The anticipation of a whole new chapter, ready to make new memories and experience new things. This year was particularly exciting because, let's face it, last year was so God awful! New Dress, New shoes, I was absolutely buzzing for it and my evening was off to an amazing start.....midnight came and I was absolutely loving it. Then as you do you check your phone just in case someone you care about and isn't with you sends you a message.

This was a fatal error. There was a message from my ex, a number I had tried, clearly unsuccessfully, to block, wishing me a " wonderful new year"......

Really?! REALLY?!! Well, I was blown away by the sheer audacity. The fact that I had already made myself very clear on the never wanting to hear from him again seemed lost on him. Who does that to am ex partner when they have a new one and the split has been nasty?! I happened to be with a friend who also took exception to this and the next thing I know, half the pub is outside posing for a picture extending their middle fingers to him. It is essential to note I was not in the picture nor was it my idea!  This was an act of friendship from a group of people who care about me. Of course, this then got posted to social media, I said then that it would only come back on me and I was right.

Three O'clock Saturday morning I then receive a message calling me all kinds of pathetic and petty...."I expected better from you" I pointed out I wasn't in the picture. Then the tactics change "I miss you, I miss spending time with you, I only want you to be happy, I only want what's best for you...."

If any of this was true then why not just heed my wish to be left alone? Why text demands for petty items from our lives together when you kept all the important things?  Why rub your new relationship, with someone you made me feel paranoid about for our last month's together, in my face? The same person you were texting for weeks before you broke my heart, including the night before you ended our relationship.

I feel as if all my hard work has come undone. Like all the pieces I had put back together with Blu Tac and Chewing gum have smashed apart leaving a massive open wound.

My friends tell me to forget it, move on. My question is how? Every time I make progress I am sent smashing back down to an even lower point than before?! I feel pathetic that I have let this happen. I am physically and mentally exhausted, not to mention emotionally drained.

When I wake up I am going to start planning. Planning ways to enrich my life, mentally and physically. Planning my next steps forward, how I can recover from this latest blow. I will you know, because I am not having this happen to me ever again.