And the bells were ringing out for Christmas Day

 I need to start being a little more frequent with my blog posts because so much has changed AGAIN since last time I wrote. One thing, however, remains exactly the same.....here we are in a pandemic which rages on! 

Don't get me wrong, we have back most freedoms but if I'm honest I am pretty conditioned to isolation now and fairly happy to stay in my four walls with "the bearded one". We had to move  because our landlord sold our flat. We now live in the flat next door, which was both convenient and a huge pain in the backside! It costs more and is smaller but it is decorated more nicely and has built in wardrobes so that's a thing. 

I took a huge paycut and took a job in the NHS as an Admin for Mental Health, I get to leave the flat everyday and interact with people daily which is why I don't think the restrictions on social activities bother me any more. It has been a real struggle for us financially, but "the bearded one" insists its better for my brain and that matters more than fun money.  I also feel a LOT better about what I do. The people using our services really need them and in a small way I am helping them, which makes even the tough days much more worthwhile than my old job. 

Lockdown taught me a LOT about myself and the main take away is that I am a good deal more introverted than I ever thought and that it takes me a lot of energy to socialise.  I recently went out for a few hours in a largish group and came home both exhausted and with a huge migraine.  I have spent a good deal of my life being pigeonholed or having assumptions made about who I really am and I am not ok with that any more. I have always been a bit of a square peg in a round hole but that's kind of ok. People are complex creatures with many layers and I am enjoying finding the new layers of me! 

The other thing I have learned is that it's ok to evolve, change, refocus and regroup. I have spent more time with my family this year, I have spent time catching up with old friends and I have really enjoyed that. I want to make 2022 the year I find a new hobby or challenge myself.....maybe the pandemic has been more of a blessing than I thought, even if it's left me worse off financially and a little emotionally battered! 

Its going to be an interesting journey

It's the Final Countdown.....

So last night we were told that this whole lockdown scenario could finally be ending and suddenly all around me people are making plans and all excited for what might be to come. It's nice to see but I am not getting on board yet. 

Don't get me wrong, I am desperate to feel normal again, to see my family and my friends, to leave the four walls of this flat which serve as my office, home, social life and everything in-between......but we have been here before. 

At Christmas we were told we could see our families for 5 days. The bearded one and I had it all planned and we were going to see my folks, we would eat with them and spend time with them and it would be amazing. We didn't buy any special food because we were told it would be "inhumane" to cancel Christmas.....until they did. 

I can't explain how much taking Christmas away broke me. I cried for 2 days because all I had done was use that as a touchstone to drag myself through lockdown, knowing a day with my family was the reward, knowing that only seeing my manface in the flesh would end and I could finally have human contact outside my South facing prison, but then it was snatched away.  The somewhat more upsetting part was knowing my extended family in Devon were having Christmas as usual, that outside our Tier 4 existence, people were celebrating while we just couldn't. We had to panic buy and drive to collect what food my parents had bought for everyone because they catered for an army as usual! We made the best of our situation, we had what felt like a pretty ordinary day together and spoke to our families in the now, oh so predictable, virtual way....but the pain still stings. 

I want to think reasonably about this so called route out of lockdown, but I can't. I want to start thinking about all the things we can plan for but I also don't think I can stomach the disappointment again. I am sick of being told to "think positive" because a) I suffer with mental health issues, if positive thinking were that easy for me I am fairly certain I wouldn't have needed multiple medications and therapy! and B) I don't trust what I am being told, therefore I need to see proof, facts and be told conclusively I can finally see my family before I start getting excited about a pint at my local or getting my hair cut! 

I think we have a very, very long road ahead and it is one I am going to tread with extreme caution. If you want to plan and be excited then go ahead, I am happy you feel like you can and you are able to.....but I am approaching with the attitude of "if they take it away again I can't be disappointed" . I want to see how realistic this is before I allow my guard to drop, because in truth, I can't handle feeling like I did in December again.

For those of you out these battling your brain, it will be ok. It is ok to be untrusting of this latest plan, given what we have already dealt with. It is ok to be scared of the uncertainty we still face, but most of all, you never need to apologise for your mental health. You do not need to justify your fear or hesitance, you do not need to apologise for feeling any damn way you like. But to my long term Brain Battlers, remember.....for once we are ahead of the curve, because a good number of people are facing depression and anxiety who never ever have before. Reach out. Support them, and above all be the voice of love and reason you needed yourself. 

N.B I only hope it's true and we can finally start to see other humans....because Manface needs it as much....probably more, than I do! 

I was alone, I was all by myself.....

I never imagined I would end up living through the 21st Century's answer to the plague. I always figured Zombie apocalypse was going to be the thing that took us down and have 4 different scenarios for if it ever occurred (laugh all you like, I have no doubt I would make it to at least season 4 of the Zombie based apocalypse!) 

The reality is that it is very, very isolating living through a pandemic and that this is a dangerous time to have a broken brain. I am fortunate that I have "The Bearded One"(he didn't like Prince) and that he has been able to continue to work full time without losing any wages because I have been furloughed since May. 

I work two days a week at the moment which was a relief after month 3, however, my line of work makes the job incredibly challenging part time because you can't follow up quickly and efficiently if you aren't in. I have taken a pay cut and also can't make any commission so his full earnings couldn't be more welcome, but it means I am alone 3 days a week while he is at work with absolutely nothing to do and the other 2 days I am ALSO at home alone but working.....in recruitment....at a time when no one really wants to recruit! Our lovely cozy flat feels at times like a cell that I resent being shut inside of 23 hours a day (I take him to and from work so I get to leave for that) and I constantly need to remind myself we are lucky and there are so many worse situations we could be facing right now but my god it's difficult some days!

Some weeks I think I am ok and I am adjusting to the sense of isolation and loneliness, others I just want to cry, so I do. Some weeks I really miss my friends, others I feel like they really don't think about me or miss me in the slightest so why should I care? Mental health is a fragile thing, especially when you have a history of depression and anxiety and already exist with the permanent fear of relapse: is how I am feeling normal or am I having another break? Do I need to go back on my meds or can I handle this without them?

To doubt your own mind constantly is awful. I genuinely don't know if I am coping or not but I don't want to divert support from people who truly are in desperate need.....what a mess!

All I know is that currently I am second guessing everything and everyone I know and their thoughts and feelings towards me (apart from The Bearded One, he proposed, I think he made himself pretty clear) which makes it hard to trust my instincts because paranoia isn't truthful and can manipulate your mind like a cruel game. I hope my friends know I am here if they need me even if I am wonky. I hope they also know that I am a bit of a mess at the moment and might not be firing on all cylinders but that doesn't define me EVER. 

I suppose the best way through this uncertainty is slowly, one step at a time and most importantly talking about how I feel to whoever takes the time to listen.  I honestly believe this won't last forever, I made it through some very tricky times I never thought I would and writing this blog really helped. So, I hope reading it can help you too, dear Reader, and make you feel like less of a freak, less alone and like someone out there gets it. 

N.B Please don't suffer alone. Reach out, if I can help, I will.

The Show Must Go On

A long time ago in what feels like a different life I was a professional performer. I sang at weddings and corporate events, I did TIE (Theatre in Education), corporate shows, tours, plays, Cabaret and sang with a Burlesque show. 

I haven't done that for a long time and I miss it every day because it was a fantastic outlet for my creativity but I needed stability in my life because of my broken brain. A LOT of my friends are still performers by trade, dancers, singers, actors, directors and my sister is a writer and this year I have seen them have their lives stripped away from them and it is horrendous to watch. I hate being on furlough but what they are dealing with is so much worse. Never knowing if they will be able to work again in a month, 6 months or even a year or more. They have no money coming in and keep being told to consider new career paths.....but how can they do that when this is their career, their lifes work. 

Creatives train for years and years and years......some never stop training and learning, I know I still take workshops and skills classes when I can, just in case the pull of the stage becomes too strong to fight. The transferable skills required to work in theatre are innumerable and that's just speaking as someone who has been on stage and backstage in a professional capacity, without mentioning the countless staff who operate venues, build sets, design sound and lighting and so many more.....it is just so many people struggling and it hurts to see.

I wrote this blog because I need those people to hear that you do matter. You are thought about and I wish I could help you all. My door is always open if you want to rant about this stupid situation. I never want to think of you struggling and worrying alone, I can't fix it but I can listen. I hope this situation ends sooner rather than later and I hope that when it does I can be there in the audience cheering you on, or backstage tying your corset and gluing your tassles! You are viable. You are valued and you ROCK! 

It's the end of the world as we know it....

 And she is back! It's been a while and to be honest things were on a fairly even keel. Met a guy, fell in love, moved in together,  got engaged and it has all been very lovely on that side of things. Yes, dear reader after all the frogs I found a Prince! 

Then the world fell apart around us. The global pandemic has struck and taken my mental health back down a dark and dusty road once more! My lovely Prince is a Keyworker, NHS to be precise and the pride I have in him is huge. He isn't frontline but every day he drags himself to the backstage area of the hospital to ensure things are kept running. He had no PPE for 4 months, no tests, just total loyalty to his job and his team. He works so hard and genuinely never accepts praise for how much he grafts. He deserves it. While he has been working tirelessly I have been furloughed. 

The F word. I work for a small recruitment company and recruitment during Covid is a very tricky beast indeed, so we were put on Furlough in May. We got called back part time in August and now we work 2 days a week, it will go up to 3 in November but that's all we know. So my flat has become my daily cell. I drop my Prince to work every day, come home and either work or sit in my living room watching endless TV. My attention span is diminished to such a point that I can't focus on reading, writing or even watching a film because they are long and require me to pay attention! 

We are lucky. We both still have work, even if mine has shrunk massively. We have a home and food, but the strain of feeling isolated from my friends and family and the constant feeling that my sanity is slipping away again is making this very hard. So I am going to try writing the blog again. Give myself perspective and a sounding board. If even one person reads it and can relate or feels like they can gain some kind of strength from my insight then nice one! If not then at least my brain will have a break from being my only outlet. 

Let's consider this an introduction, I won't abandon you again intentionally and let's see if it can help! 

I am the God of Hellfire and I bring you.....

The emotion of today is definitely anger. I am struggling to move past the anger I feel at my current circumstances and sadly it is making my ability to see the situation and people around it clearly.

My former friend went to his grave believing several things about me that I know aren't true. I pride myself on my loyalty and those closest to me know that this can be my biggest strength and also my most damaging weakness. I shield people to protect them and sometimes not the right people. I defend people I love unquestioningly and that isn't always the best idea either.

Two years ago, I learned one of the hardest lessons I have ever been taught, at a time I had already lost almost everything. I recovered. This has brought all of that crashing back into 4K focus, the pain, the betrayal, the humiliation of having no one fight my corner. No one defended me. No one had my back.

Maybe that's why I am choosing to grieve privately. I feel irrelevant and that's how I have been made to feel so why not just embrace the isolation? I have a handful of trusted friends I know would never have allowed this to happen if I had just reached out two years ago. Sadly, my loyalty didn't allow that. Those trusted friends know what I am struggling with now.

Trust and loyalty should be hard won and deserved. I know this now and I absolutely do not trust to the degree I used to. I am also only loyal now to those who truly look out for me. A fair exchange I believe.

To my former friend: If death brings with it a wealth of knowledge, an ability to see the truth where maybe it wasn't clear before all I will say is this......I hope you know now. I hope you have seen the truth with your own eyes. I hope you know I was nothing but loyal and trusting. I just hope you know and I'm sorry you couldn't see it before.

Somebody that I used to know.....

Estrangement is a bizarre thing.  Someone who was once so integral to your life and so much a part of everything you did suddenly no longer has any role to play and disappears almost as if they never were there. Of course, they were there. They existed as a force of nature so strong and present that the idea of them simply not being there is sometimes to big to comprehend. Friendships end, sometimes with no reason, sometimes with a real poisonous, horrendous explosion of anger that you can never go back.

You often think that maybe someday hatchets will be buried, forgiveness and understanding obtained and all will be right once again. So what do you do when there is never, ever going to be that opportunity again? How do you process that?

A person I was close to, extremely close to, died this weekend. The key word in that sentence is WAS. We fell out two years ago, fences were not mended and I mourned the loss of that friendship in a similar way that I had to navigate the deaths of my Grandparents that same year. So do I have a right to grieve now? Fifteen years of closeness, fun, adventures and memories still exist. He was so much a part of who I am today can I ever really be expected to just shrug it off?

I feel like I should grieve. I feel his loss as keenly as if I had been sitting shooting the shit over a beer just last week, not just over two years ago. I feel I will not be welcome to attend his funeral, to really say that symbolic and final goodbye. My family will be there and they will do their best to mourn on my behalf. I feel like my sadness needs to be contained. That I need to speak only of how I feel to very specific and trusted individuals, the ones who won't wonder why I am so sad about the loss of someone I used to know.

I want it known I am sad. I miss him and will continue to miss him, probably for the rest of my life. I miss the adventures and rambling conversations.  All I have is pictures, cherished memories and a scarring sense of loss like a two year old wound has reopened in my heart and may never fix.

This is the first of probably many posts I will write to try and make sense of this. If anyone has any idea how you move through this, please tell me because for now my sorrow, regret and guilt are too big to be dealt with.