I was alone, I was all by myself.....

I never imagined I would end up living through the 21st Century's answer to the plague. I always figured Zombie apocalypse was going to be the thing that took us down and have 4 different scenarios for if it ever occurred (laugh all you like, I have no doubt I would make it to at least season 4 of the Zombie based apocalypse!) 

The reality is that it is very, very isolating living through a pandemic and that this is a dangerous time to have a broken brain. I am fortunate that I have "The Bearded One"(he didn't like Prince) and that he has been able to continue to work full time without losing any wages because I have been furloughed since May. 

I work two days a week at the moment which was a relief after month 3, however, my line of work makes the job incredibly challenging part time because you can't follow up quickly and efficiently if you aren't in. I have taken a pay cut and also can't make any commission so his full earnings couldn't be more welcome, but it means I am alone 3 days a week while he is at work with absolutely nothing to do and the other 2 days I am ALSO at home alone but working.....in recruitment....at a time when no one really wants to recruit! Our lovely cozy flat feels at times like a cell that I resent being shut inside of 23 hours a day (I take him to and from work so I get to leave for that) and I constantly need to remind myself we are lucky and there are so many worse situations we could be facing right now but my god it's difficult some days!

Some weeks I think I am ok and I am adjusting to the sense of isolation and loneliness, others I just want to cry, so I do. Some weeks I really miss my friends, others I feel like they really don't think about me or miss me in the slightest so why should I care? Mental health is a fragile thing, especially when you have a history of depression and anxiety and already exist with the permanent fear of relapse: is how I am feeling normal or am I having another break? Do I need to go back on my meds or can I handle this without them?

To doubt your own mind constantly is awful. I genuinely don't know if I am coping or not but I don't want to divert support from people who truly are in desperate need.....what a mess!

All I know is that currently I am second guessing everything and everyone I know and their thoughts and feelings towards me (apart from The Bearded One, he proposed, I think he made himself pretty clear) which makes it hard to trust my instincts because paranoia isn't truthful and can manipulate your mind like a cruel game. I hope my friends know I am here if they need me even if I am wonky. I hope they also know that I am a bit of a mess at the moment and might not be firing on all cylinders but that doesn't define me EVER. 

I suppose the best way through this uncertainty is slowly, one step at a time and most importantly talking about how I feel to whoever takes the time to listen.  I honestly believe this won't last forever, I made it through some very tricky times I never thought I would and writing this blog really helped. So, I hope reading it can help you too, dear Reader, and make you feel like less of a freak, less alone and like someone out there gets it. 

N.B Please don't suffer alone. Reach out, if I can help, I will.