And the bells were ringing out for Christmas Day

 I need to start being a little more frequent with my blog posts because so much has changed AGAIN since last time I wrote. One thing, however, remains exactly the same.....here we are in a pandemic which rages on! 

Don't get me wrong, we have back most freedoms but if I'm honest I am pretty conditioned to isolation now and fairly happy to stay in my four walls with "the bearded one". We had to move  because our landlord sold our flat. We now live in the flat next door, which was both convenient and a huge pain in the backside! It costs more and is smaller but it is decorated more nicely and has built in wardrobes so that's a thing. 

I took a huge paycut and took a job in the NHS as an Admin for Mental Health, I get to leave the flat everyday and interact with people daily which is why I don't think the restrictions on social activities bother me any more. It has been a real struggle for us financially, but "the bearded one" insists its better for my brain and that matters more than fun money.  I also feel a LOT better about what I do. The people using our services really need them and in a small way I am helping them, which makes even the tough days much more worthwhile than my old job. 

Lockdown taught me a LOT about myself and the main take away is that I am a good deal more introverted than I ever thought and that it takes me a lot of energy to socialise.  I recently went out for a few hours in a largish group and came home both exhausted and with a huge migraine.  I have spent a good deal of my life being pigeonholed or having assumptions made about who I really am and I am not ok with that any more. I have always been a bit of a square peg in a round hole but that's kind of ok. People are complex creatures with many layers and I am enjoying finding the new layers of me! 

The other thing I have learned is that it's ok to evolve, change, refocus and regroup. I have spent more time with my family this year, I have spent time catching up with old friends and I have really enjoyed that. I want to make 2022 the year I find a new hobby or challenge myself.....maybe the pandemic has been more of a blessing than I thought, even if it's left me worse off financially and a little emotionally battered! 

Its going to be an interesting journey

It's the Final Countdown.....

So last night we were told that this whole lockdown scenario could finally be ending and suddenly all around me people are making plans and all excited for what might be to come. It's nice to see but I am not getting on board yet. 

Don't get me wrong, I am desperate to feel normal again, to see my family and my friends, to leave the four walls of this flat which serve as my office, home, social life and everything in-between......but we have been here before. 

At Christmas we were told we could see our families for 5 days. The bearded one and I had it all planned and we were going to see my folks, we would eat with them and spend time with them and it would be amazing. We didn't buy any special food because we were told it would be "inhumane" to cancel Christmas.....until they did. 

I can't explain how much taking Christmas away broke me. I cried for 2 days because all I had done was use that as a touchstone to drag myself through lockdown, knowing a day with my family was the reward, knowing that only seeing my manface in the flesh would end and I could finally have human contact outside my South facing prison, but then it was snatched away.  The somewhat more upsetting part was knowing my extended family in Devon were having Christmas as usual, that outside our Tier 4 existence, people were celebrating while we just couldn't. We had to panic buy and drive to collect what food my parents had bought for everyone because they catered for an army as usual! We made the best of our situation, we had what felt like a pretty ordinary day together and spoke to our families in the now, oh so predictable, virtual way....but the pain still stings. 

I want to think reasonably about this so called route out of lockdown, but I can't. I want to start thinking about all the things we can plan for but I also don't think I can stomach the disappointment again. I am sick of being told to "think positive" because a) I suffer with mental health issues, if positive thinking were that easy for me I am fairly certain I wouldn't have needed multiple medications and therapy! and B) I don't trust what I am being told, therefore I need to see proof, facts and be told conclusively I can finally see my family before I start getting excited about a pint at my local or getting my hair cut! 

I think we have a very, very long road ahead and it is one I am going to tread with extreme caution. If you want to plan and be excited then go ahead, I am happy you feel like you can and you are able to.....but I am approaching with the attitude of "if they take it away again I can't be disappointed" . I want to see how realistic this is before I allow my guard to drop, because in truth, I can't handle feeling like I did in December again.

For those of you out these battling your brain, it will be ok. It is ok to be untrusting of this latest plan, given what we have already dealt with. It is ok to be scared of the uncertainty we still face, but most of all, you never need to apologise for your mental health. You do not need to justify your fear or hesitance, you do not need to apologise for feeling any damn way you like. But to my long term Brain Battlers, remember.....for once we are ahead of the curve, because a good number of people are facing depression and anxiety who never ever have before. Reach out. Support them, and above all be the voice of love and reason you needed yourself. 

N.B I only hope it's true and we can finally start to see other humans....because Manface needs it as much....probably more, than I do!