I was alone, I was all by myself.....

I never imagined I would end up living through the 21st Century's answer to the plague. I always figured Zombie apocalypse was going to be the thing that took us down and have 4 different scenarios for if it ever occurred (laugh all you like, I have no doubt I would make it to at least season 4 of the Zombie based apocalypse!) 

The reality is that it is very, very isolating living through a pandemic and that this is a dangerous time to have a broken brain. I am fortunate that I have "The Bearded One"(he didn't like Prince) and that he has been able to continue to work full time without losing any wages because I have been furloughed since May. 

I work two days a week at the moment which was a relief after month 3, however, my line of work makes the job incredibly challenging part time because you can't follow up quickly and efficiently if you aren't in. I have taken a pay cut and also can't make any commission so his full earnings couldn't be more welcome, but it means I am alone 3 days a week while he is at work with absolutely nothing to do and the other 2 days I am ALSO at home alone but working.....in recruitment....at a time when no one really wants to recruit! Our lovely cozy flat feels at times like a cell that I resent being shut inside of 23 hours a day (I take him to and from work so I get to leave for that) and I constantly need to remind myself we are lucky and there are so many worse situations we could be facing right now but my god it's difficult some days!

Some weeks I think I am ok and I am adjusting to the sense of isolation and loneliness, others I just want to cry, so I do. Some weeks I really miss my friends, others I feel like they really don't think about me or miss me in the slightest so why should I care? Mental health is a fragile thing, especially when you have a history of depression and anxiety and already exist with the permanent fear of relapse: is how I am feeling normal or am I having another break? Do I need to go back on my meds or can I handle this without them?

To doubt your own mind constantly is awful. I genuinely don't know if I am coping or not but I don't want to divert support from people who truly are in desperate need.....what a mess!

All I know is that currently I am second guessing everything and everyone I know and their thoughts and feelings towards me (apart from The Bearded One, he proposed, I think he made himself pretty clear) which makes it hard to trust my instincts because paranoia isn't truthful and can manipulate your mind like a cruel game. I hope my friends know I am here if they need me even if I am wonky. I hope they also know that I am a bit of a mess at the moment and might not be firing on all cylinders but that doesn't define me EVER. 

I suppose the best way through this uncertainty is slowly, one step at a time and most importantly talking about how I feel to whoever takes the time to listen.  I honestly believe this won't last forever, I made it through some very tricky times I never thought I would and writing this blog really helped. So, I hope reading it can help you too, dear Reader, and make you feel like less of a freak, less alone and like someone out there gets it. 

N.B Please don't suffer alone. Reach out, if I can help, I will.

The Show Must Go On

A long time ago in what feels like a different life I was a professional performer. I sang at weddings and corporate events, I did TIE (Theatre in Education), corporate shows, tours, plays, Cabaret and sang with a Burlesque show. 

I haven't done that for a long time and I miss it every day because it was a fantastic outlet for my creativity but I needed stability in my life because of my broken brain. A LOT of my friends are still performers by trade, dancers, singers, actors, directors and my sister is a writer and this year I have seen them have their lives stripped away from them and it is horrendous to watch. I hate being on furlough but what they are dealing with is so much worse. Never knowing if they will be able to work again in a month, 6 months or even a year or more. They have no money coming in and keep being told to consider new career paths.....but how can they do that when this is their career, their lifes work. 

Creatives train for years and years and years......some never stop training and learning, I know I still take workshops and skills classes when I can, just in case the pull of the stage becomes too strong to fight. The transferable skills required to work in theatre are innumerable and that's just speaking as someone who has been on stage and backstage in a professional capacity, without mentioning the countless staff who operate venues, build sets, design sound and lighting and so many more.....it is just so many people struggling and it hurts to see.

I wrote this blog because I need those people to hear that you do matter. You are thought about and I wish I could help you all. My door is always open if you want to rant about this stupid situation. I never want to think of you struggling and worrying alone, I can't fix it but I can listen. I hope this situation ends sooner rather than later and I hope that when it does I can be there in the audience cheering you on, or backstage tying your corset and gluing your tassles! You are viable. You are valued and you ROCK! 

It's the end of the world as we know it....

 And she is back! It's been a while and to be honest things were on a fairly even keel. Met a guy, fell in love, moved in together,  got engaged and it has all been very lovely on that side of things. Yes, dear reader after all the frogs I found a Prince! 

Then the world fell apart around us. The global pandemic has struck and taken my mental health back down a dark and dusty road once more! My lovely Prince is a Keyworker, NHS to be precise and the pride I have in him is huge. He isn't frontline but every day he drags himself to the backstage area of the hospital to ensure things are kept running. He had no PPE for 4 months, no tests, just total loyalty to his job and his team. He works so hard and genuinely never accepts praise for how much he grafts. He deserves it. While he has been working tirelessly I have been furloughed. 

The F word. I work for a small recruitment company and recruitment during Covid is a very tricky beast indeed, so we were put on Furlough in May. We got called back part time in August and now we work 2 days a week, it will go up to 3 in November but that's all we know. So my flat has become my daily cell. I drop my Prince to work every day, come home and either work or sit in my living room watching endless TV. My attention span is diminished to such a point that I can't focus on reading, writing or even watching a film because they are long and require me to pay attention! 

We are lucky. We both still have work, even if mine has shrunk massively. We have a home and food, but the strain of feeling isolated from my friends and family and the constant feeling that my sanity is slipping away again is making this very hard. So I am going to try writing the blog again. Give myself perspective and a sounding board. If even one person reads it and can relate or feels like they can gain some kind of strength from my insight then nice one! If not then at least my brain will have a break from being my only outlet. 

Let's consider this an introduction, I won't abandon you again intentionally and let's see if it can help!