A change will do you good.....

I feel like everything is changing too quickly and I can't keep up. My friends are forging ahead in new exciting ways: Jobs, Relationships, Moving....and I remain in a rut.

People always say to me "if you don't like it, change it". Well, duh! How? This is always my stumbling block. I would love to move. My house share is making me feel trapped, my only space is tiny and it feeds my feelings of worthlessness, however I cannot afford my own place so there is where I have to stay. Sometimes you can't help what cards you are dealt.

Of course having a relationship would be nice, grieving for my Grandad, alone, has been very challenging....when you go home and cry at night alone with no one to share stories with its pretty soul destroying. BUT, my friends (for the most part) have been pretty good and frankly I am not prepared to settle for the first nutter who asks because.....well, come on, after everything I have been through, I deserve better! So that's a work in progress.

I am hoping to be struck by inspiration....guidance on how to make a change for the better. I need to address my self esteem issues, that much is clear. I need to realise that I am coming out of a period of time and series of events that may have destroyed weaker people. People tell me I am strong, especially those who have stood by me through thick and thin and, for the first time ever, I actually think they may be right...so now I need to channel that strength into becoming the best me I can. I don't know if I believe in guardian angels, but if they are real, Grandad should be starting his duties pretty soon, and he is certainly a man who won't tolerate me suffering more than I need to!

From now on people who feed my low opinion of myself can do one. From now on I am going to try to think of what is best for me, my health and my future. I will begin by looking into having a holiday....it's six years since my last one and that isn't good for anyone! So, look out beach resorts......it could be you!

Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.....

This week has reminded me that you should never feel things are getting better. The second you do, life will swiftly kick you right back down where you belong.

On Sunday I lost my Grandad. At my age this isn't a shock and he lived a long and full life but it has hit me like a truck. My Grandad was an amazing man. He came here from Cyprus as a teenager (aged 16 to be exact) on his own. He had been taught that he would be welcomed as a hairdresser and would always have work.  His brother had come here and had worked in the docks, he used to write to Grandad and tell him how wonderful England was, this made him want to come here more. His brother was killed in an accident (crushed to death by a bale of wheat) and that made Grandad more determined to realise his dream.  He learned English as soon as he came here, and here he stayed. He lived here for 80 years and never lost his accent....a source of great amusement to my family, who all have their own spin on his accent and ways he spoke.

My Grandad was a strong willed, proud, hard working and loving man. He loved his family, watching "Countdown", salted peanuts and board games. We had a long running Backgammon tournament, he often cheated but I often beat him. He always said "Only the Cypriots can play Backgammon, the English don't understand the dice." This always made me laugh "But Grandad, I am English!"
"You have the Cypriot in you....never forget that, you aren't proper English!" I would always laugh at him "Alright, Old Man....whatever you say!"....

I was fortunate to spend hours with him, playing Backgammon and trying to get him to tell me about his past. He was always sketchy about his time in the Desert Rats during WW2, as many in his generation were. I guess I will never know the full story now. He met my Nana at a dance hall. He had been stood up by her friend and went to ask her if she knew why. Nana wasn't very helpful, but she danced with my shy Grandad and they danced together for 65 years.

I will miss him every single day. I should write so much more....but right now I can't. I am glad I got to see him the day he died. I am glad the last thing he said to me was "I love you". I hope that maybe he will be my guardian angel and have a word with the powers that be about cutting me some slack....

It's safe to say that 35 has been the worst year of my life and I am only 6 months in, but with Grandad watching my back I'm sure things will start to feel better. Watch out for me Old Man, I miss you already xx